I wonder when I'll be able to say, "I've lived life..."

Ah, so another one of these things. Wonderful. I made Erty's breakfast/lunch today. Only after getting 6 hours of sleep. Now would he have done this for me under the same conditions? Probably not. Is it good that I keep score? No. Should he even be held accountable for not hypothetically making my lunch due to his sleep apnea? I'd like to say yes, but my gut tells me no. I don't know I know how to love people due to their intrinsic natures. I don't know. I was thinking about it, and my parents' love seemed sort of conditional, which, after a bit of consideration, kind of pisses me off. Their kindness always seemed to be contingent on my grades, whether I was being obedient or not, blah, blah, blah.

Want to know how I came to this sad realization (the sad realization being I don't know how to love people due to their intrinsic natures)? While I was making Eman's lunch today, I thought in half-dazed wakefulness, damn, he better love me now. Then, my proverbial ears perked, and I realized, why would he love me more because I'm making him a sandwich? At best, it should just make him nicer to me, but I ought to not think that making him a sandwich would make him love me more. Would I love him more if he made me a sandwich? You know what my answer was? A sad "yes." I think I'm mixing up love and pleasure (ha-ha-ha). It ought to please me that he made me a sandwich.

So my goal? Love Erty for who he is. I will try to work on that for the next three months. I hope it works. Uhmmm. I guess I should make a list about what makes him, him. I'll do it tomorrow, I guess.

I asked Emmanuel to affirm me more. He said he would. He hasn't. I sometimes wonder if it's because there's nothing to affirm. This makes me terrible sad.

Damn, the bitch upstairs is awfully loud.

Another thing, it seems that--ah, I started typing this, then I itched, and when I was going to resume, I realized I forgot what I was going to say.

If that noisy, rhino bitch wakes Daphne up, I'm going to... I wish I could do something. I hope she falls through the ceiling one day hopefully when no one is in her way.